Trials

I have been thru trials in my years, but nothing such as this.
It hurts to breath…..it is like being consumed by darkness….swallowed into a pit of pain …..Within the stomach of hell……

One day runs into another……..I wait for a moment…..just one minute…..of relief from the plaguing thoughts of my mind.
I must endure this hell for her…….I must be her rock…..her strength if she needs…..and my love for her will make me take that next breath…it is her and this love beyond myself that makes it impossible to give up or give in …I must be there for her…..she must have and KNOW that there is one person that will always be there….will endure all…..truly without condition…

How disillusioned I am………I feel not only the pain of my daughter….for I do feel her pain….I also feel the pain of just the fact that my baby has to be in pain….and of the betrayal of my own trust.

I can not count the times that I thanked God for giving me such a good father for my child. I don’t know how many times I sat quietly and watched them….smiling as I witnessed such love and warmth between them…knowing that I had done the right thing……knowing that I had provided my daughter a wonderful father….I truly thought God had brought him to me……a blessing……I think of the times I begged God to forgive me for hurting someone so special….so good……How I doubted myself……How even when faced with all the evidence that supported that he might not be exactly what he presented himself to be ( in regards to being a loving and faithful husband )…..that I still had such faith in him that I doubted myself. I had faith in him as I do God….God please forgive me for that sin……..How fooled was I !!!!! Truly a master of deception.

I lay in bed at night and my mind flies…….the thought that he touched me sickens me……night before last that thought wouldn’t give me peace…..I showered till the steam turned to cold and till the cold turned me numb…..

Even after the divorce I always thought that I would always have him …….if not as a husband as my dearest friend….even through the divorce I felt it only a stage of our marriage, that we would end together….for who knows me better??? Who loves me more???? This person…..who was so intertwined with the fabric of who I am…… I truly would have thrown myself in harms way to protect him. Only to learn that it was all a lie……… a fantasy….. Something that only lived in my imagination. That this one that I thought was so good…so pure…..is a despicable monster of the worst kind. A predator. A liar. A cancer.

It is as if all those years are gone. Not a memory untouched…….The laughter…..only a joke. The love……a figment of my imagination. The goodness…..only a cloak to cover evil.

He is a thief…..he stole years of my life. He stole the innocence of my baby…..He stole the pureness of faith….he stole the instinct of trust. He stole all that she believed…..He stole all that I believed.

How is it possible that such evil goes unseen? How in all these years did I not see threw the cloak that hides what he really is?

What did he give?……A LOT!!!!

He gave me question. Question of my own judgment. I will question all that I see. I don’t know that I will ever take anything or anyone at face value…..I will question. He gave me the question of my ability to protect my daughter. I question if my love for her is indeed beyond myself. I question if my own selfishness kept me blind. I question my instincts, my insight, my intelligence. He has given me question.

He has given me fear. Fear of the world. Fear of closeness. Fear of opening myself to anyone. Fear of exposing my daughter to anyone. Fear of her walking out the door. Fear of the day that she meets that special someone. Fear of the tears she will cry when she wants to give the gift of herself to one that she loves. Fear of the future and what it will bring.

He has given me pain. A pain that I could not have known existed until him. A pain that saturates every part of my soul. A pain that seems so sharp as to never be dulled. A pain with no relief.

He has given me impotence. Helplessness. He has given me the lack of confidence. He has given me a new world……one that I fit in with the masses…….not stronger…..not smarter……not unique…..just there….powerless.

He has enlightened me……he has shown me the true ugliness of the human race. He has given me a view of filth and darkness. He has introduced a skin crawling creepiness. He has given me revulsion of a level I had no idea existed.

Yet he has given me a chance. A chance at truth. A chance to live a life that truly exists. A chance to step out of fantasy and of the lie I have lived.

Written by Annie   (shortly after daughter disclosed sexual abuse)

I have written so many times of my devastation.
Of the pain and helplessness as I watch my baby waste away to nothing as she throws up her food as a result of the abuse that she has endured at your hand.
Of the betrayal that tares at my soul.
I have written through the nights without sleep, rather than let my mind journey to the nightmare that I call my life.
I have told of my hate...my hurt...but have I ever told you of the root?

As you know I believe there is an opposite to all...for there to be good...there must be evil...the heights of happiness are only truly understood by the depths of sadness....The pits of Hell are so feared because of the absence of God, who IS HEAVEN.

I run from this place that I have called home
For all that I see holds you within it...
You are in every corner....
But it is no more....for You were the meaning of home.

When the wind blows I can feel you...
I look up to the stars and wonder...are you looking at them at this moment from some place...under the same sky...miles apart...
I can taste you...Your smell....your flavor is within me...
You run through my veins.

It is your eyes that I seek to look within
It is your chest that I wish to lie
It is your words of..'tomorrow will be better'..that I wish to hear
I yearn for the warmth that only your body brings
For the comfort that only you can give

Yes, I can taste you upon my lips
And you are the soap upon my body as I bath
You are the towel that dries my wet skin
You are the sheets that I sleep within
You are the water when I thirst
Your are the flavor of my favorite dish
Your are the sweetness of my dessert
Your are my passion
All that I had I gave to you
You were all

Tell me....how do I go on knowing I will never have my mate???
How can I live this life without you by my side?

How do I face death knowing my last words will not be your name?
The last touch is not yours
The whisper that I last hear is not your voice

Lost without my other half
Even self preservation does not overcome the loss
the only thing that lives within me is maternal instinct...

It was you that awakened and brought to life this kind of love that I did not know.
It was you that made the choice that leaves me barren
How cruel it is to know that this kind of love exists...
Knowing that it will never be spent again.

The depth of my love is only parallel by one thing
The fire of my hate
For the degree that I love you is the degree that I despise and am sickened by you.

And I look at her and wonder...
How does she go on?....
For I can hardly breathe
And as much as I love you
She loved you more...


She loves you pure
She loves you complete
For all that you are and all that you are not
Never shall you have one love you the same
A blessing from God.

And I wonder....
How does one abuse such love??
How is it you did not cherish such a love so rare
Why must my baby know of such betrayal??
Why was it at the hand of who she loved the most?

Yes love is the seed of my hatred....
The root of my betrayal...
The stem of my devastation.....